From time to time, I get letters from you readers that are so interesting that I feel I ought to share them with the rest of you. A few days back, a letter simply signed “Iyabode” popped up on my e-mail and I couldn’t help chuckling to myself as I read it. She wrote: “Dear Bunmi, I am one of the regular readers of your articles in The Vanguard every Sunday, and I do not even know how fully I can express my feelings about your articles. If I may tell you, they have really improved my lifestyle and I always make copies available to friends whenever the need arises.
Bunmi, I shall be grateful if you can please help write something one of these days on: Why men of today prefer married women as girlfriends. Honestly speaking, it is a vogue in town these days. Please help emphasize on the following points:
Class: This set of married women are known for their own class. Most of them are wives of rich and notorious men. These men also go out at all times with extremely younger girls, leaving their wives and kids at home, thinking that money can fix everything, forgetting about love and happiness.
Sex: This category of ladies are preferred by men because they do have wide sexual experiences and they are very safe as they don’t pester the men for marriage.
Fashion: These ladies are very fashion conscious. They are seen in designer dresses and at beauty parlours. They do not mind how much they spend on manicures, pedicures and professionally applied make-up, all in order to look impeccably groomed. Not to talk of ridiculously expensive hair extensions. They are also seen in various body shops where they do expensive keep fit exercises. This set of ladies have all the time in the world to look after themselves as a result of their rich husbands not staying at home most of the time. Their main achievement is to dress to kill so that other men could admire them.
Conclusion: Most of these ladies do commit adultery mainly to spite their husbands who are noted for their indiscretions. They (the ladies) have all the time to have fun outside their matrimonial homes whenever their husbands are out hunting. They just believe in the saying that; what is good for the goose is also good for the gander.
Advice: Bunmi, please advise us all that inasmuch as you are not encouraging this type of attitude amongst us, men must be advised and warned to please do anything they do in the name of fun in moderation because women of today will never allow them (the men) to have their cake and eat it all. Gone are the days of our mothers when Aro Mental Hospital, Abeokuta, was packed full of female patients who have problems. Ladies of nowadays are not ready for that kind of ego. The reverse in fact is now the case. Please help expatiate on this subject of married women and their lovers. And let us for once bring out fright in these our hard- hearted men.”
After sounding all that warning, dear Iyabode, there is precious little left of the topic for me to expatiate on. Over the years, and from time to time, I have touched on similar issues but it seems our men are just bent on living on the dangerous fast lane. As you rightly observed, it takes two to tango. The women too aren’t exactly as innocent of the offence as you believed. In fact, they are the bait that keeps men always rushing to the hook. All we have to do really is cross our fingers. Who knows, the vogues might die after the novelty wears off – I wish!
In a second interesting letter, a reader writes on an entirely different topic:
“Good men come in many packages”. She writes: “What I have learnt in my adult years is that the father I knew and love wasn’t necessarily the man my mother initially met. For example, during the early years of their marriage, my father had a slight drinking problem. But when my mother gave him the ultimatum of choosing between alcohol and his family, he chose the latter. By the time I came along, the problems was history, and I can barely recall my father even taking a drink socially. “Now don’t get me wrong – my mother was in no way telling me to settle down in a hurry. In fact, `You can do that by yourself’ is one of her mantras. But she was quietly revealing to me how important patience and understanding are of a successful relationship. If my father was alive today, I have no doubt that my parents would still be happily married. Sure. they had occasional arguments, but those never seemed to last. Their love always seemed to overcome whatever challenges they faced.
Though the standard of living today is very difficult from what it was some 30 years ago, when my parents tied the knot, the standard for loving married should never change. I want what my parents had, and no amount of education or financial stability can guarantee that. If my soul mate happens to be a university graduate with a big salary, great. But I no longer have a check list to material things my husband-to-be must possess.
“Of course there are qualities in a husband I cannot compromise on. I want a God-fearing man who will always have self-respect, respect for me, and strong family values. `I didn’t have my father around when I was growing up’ is a lame excuse for irresponsible, disrespectful behaviour in a relationship. My dad never knew his biological father, and he was raised by women. This never stopped him from being a wonderful husband and father … “